According to Darkness To Light (a child sexual abuse prevention website), child grooming is the process of ever so gradually initiating and maintaining an intimate relationship with a child – often the child of a friend or relative. Since the perpetrator is known to the family, they are rarely expected to pose a threat.
It might start with something as innocent as taking the child for ice cream and could continue with having more and more “alone” time with the child. But, it usually follows a pattern something like the following:
THE STAGES OF GROOMING
| Stage | Description | Example |
| Targeting the Child | Perpetrators may target and exploit a child’s perceived vulnerabilities including: emotional neediness, isolation, neglect, a chaotic home life, or lack of parental oversight, etc. | The offender will pay special attention to or give preference to a child. |
| Gaining the Child’s & Caregiver’s Trust | Perpetrators work to gain the trust of parents/caregivers to lower suspicion and gain access to the child by providing seemingly warm yet calculated attention/support. The perpetrator gains the child’s trust by gathering information about the child, getting to know their needs, and finding ways to fill those needs. | “I saw you reading the new Superman comic. I’m planning to go see the new movie, I can take you if you want to go.” |
| Filling a Need | Once the perpetrator begins to fill the child’s needs, they may assume noticeably more importance in the child’s life. Perpetrators utilize tactics such as gift giving, flattery, gifting money, and meeting other basic needs. Tactics may also include increased attention and affection towards the targeted child. | “I know you love jewelry so I got you this watch.” |
| Isolating the Child | The perpetrator uses isolation tactics to reinforce their relationship with the child by creating situations in which they are alone together (babysitting, one-on-one coaching, “special” trips). The perpetrator may reinforce the relationship with the child by cultivating a sense that they love and understand the child in a way that others, even their parents, cannot. The adult can start to tell the child that no one cares for them the way they do, not even their parents. | “You can trust me because no one understands you the way I do.” |
| Sexualizing the Relationship | Once emotional dependence and trust have been built, the perpetrator progressively sexualizes the relationship. This occurs through talking, pictures, and creating situations in which both are naked (swimming). The adult exploits the child’s natural curiosity and trust using stimulation to advance the sexual nature of the relationship. | “Have you ever masturbated? I can show you how, it feels really good.” |
| Maintaining Control | Once sexual abuse is occurring, perpetrators commonly use secrecy, blame, and threats to maintain the child’s participation and continued silence. In order to maintain control, perpetrators use emotional manipulation; they make the child believe they are the only person who can meet their emotional and material needs. The child may feel that the loss of the relationship, or the consequences of exposing it, will be more damaging and humiliating than continuing the unhealthy relationship. | “If you tell anyone, we both could go to jail, We won’t be able to be together.” Or “If you tell anyone, something bad could happen to your family.” |
For more red flags AND what to do about them, continue reading “Grooming and Red Flag Behaviors” on the Darkness to Light website.
Photo by Patrick Fore on Unsplash
